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Anger is one of human’s emotions. It has its values and functions. It motivates us to protect ourselves and to fight for our rights. However, if anger is not properly managed, it may lead to some physical and psychological problems. Therefore, it would be beneficial for us and for people around us to learn how to manage anger.
If you have the following conditions, you may have anger problems:
After being angry, you have difficulty calming yourself down. You tend to think about the incident repeatedly, even your appetite and sleep are affected. You feel that your anger is so intense that you can’t concentrate or think effectively. You may even have some impulsive behaviours.
You are unable to control verbal or behavioural aggression because of your anger. You may even displace your anger to some innocent people. You may damage objects, scold others, use foul language or even attack someone.
People think that it is helpful to use hitting others, scolding others or hitting a pillow as catharsis. However, many studies in psychology indicated that catharsis cannot tame one’s anger. It actually increases the intensity of one’s anger in the future.
You may guide him/ her to understand the problems related to anger, including:
People usually dislike those who get angry easily, especially the ones with violence. People may fear the hostile individuals and fulfill their requests in the short term. However, the interpersonal relationship is affected in the long run.
Anger keeps us focusing on retaliation, even ignoring the loss we have to pay. We actually can’t solve the problems by retaliation. The problems may be maintained or even worsened.
Anger can be a stressor to our bodies. People who frequently get angry may have cardio-vascular problems, headache, stomachache, etc.
After calming down, the individual may be regretful, shameful, depressed or angry with oneself because of one’s impulsive acts.
The common anger triggers are:
When we feel angry, we would have palpitation, fast breathing, frowning, muscle tension, blushing, etc. These physical reactions have their survival values in ancient times. They facilitate the individuals to fight with enemies or frighten the enemies away. Nowadays, if we have these anger-related physical reactions frequently, it may lead to physical illnesses, including heart disease, hypertension, headache, etc. Under this condition, we can’t think rationally. Therefore, it is important to calm ourselves down.
Good social skills are “lubricant” in interpersonal interaction. It can reduce the interpersonal conflicts and the concomitant anger.
When you refuse others’ requests, be firm but polite.
When you need to apologize to others, express sincerely that you are sorry for what you did. Don’t find excuse for yourself. If possible, tell him/ her how you would improve in the future.
listen to others’ criticism on you. Improve yourself and avoid the same mistakes. Apologize to others as needed. Others’ criticisms can be helpful for us to make progress.
When you give comments to others, point out first what they have done well. Then give clear and specific suggestions for improvement.
If we take the perspective that the incident is very serious (e.g., being insulted or rejected by others), our anger would become more intense. Actually, these incidents usually only lead to some short-term losses (e.g., wasting time or losing face). Long-term effects are rare. Next time, you may ask yourself, “Will this be important to me after one week, one month or one year?”
Telling yourself this would only increase the rejection and disgust. It is wise to accept the current situation and try your best to find the solution.
Lower your expectation of others. Try to say “I would like him/ her to…” or “I hope he/ she would…” instead of “He/ she should…” You can reduce your disappointment and anger by doing so.
Don’t just remind yourself what he/ she did incorrectly in that moment and think that is part of his/ her personality. Remind yourself the moments when he/ she treated you well.
Ask yourself, “What is the evidence that he did it intentionally? What is the evidence against your assumptions? What are the alternative explanations for his behaviour?” Analyze the incident objectively or take a perspective as a third person. It helps to reduce our unnecessary anger.
All of us want to be treated fairly, but unfairness is actually part of life. If we expect to have absolute fairness, we may create distress for ourselves.
If you choose to retaliate, no matter whether you succeed or not, you have to pay for your anger. Chronic anger would be harmful to your body, emotion and social functioning. You may be happy for a while when making the opposite side suffer, but it would not lead to real benefit for you in the long run.
Remind yourself the disadvantages of being angry, especially the long-term disadvantages (e.g., others dislike me, my family is afraid of me, I may have cardio-vascular problems.)
If your schedule is too packed, there is no time to deal with unforeseeable situations (e.g., traffic jam). You would be tense all the time. Any obstacles would lead to intense anger in you.
Arrange time for doing exercise or other leisure activities in order to reduce the stress.
If we put the unresolved issues aside (e.g., dissatisfaction towards one’s spouse), problems would accumulate. When there is a trigger, we may become very hostile. The opposite side would be puzzled and perceive it as our emotional problems. Therefore, when the problem is still not serious, it is better for us to deal with it.
(Special thanks to Dr Martina Cheung, Clinical Psychologist of Castle Peak Hospital, for authoring this article)